This feature has really taken off with consumers since it was first launched in response to the influx of Fukuoku inquires. The "Ralph Naders" of sex toys, the
. Womyns'Ware does not carry
. In a nutshell, our threshold guidelines are design, safety, quality, customer satisfaction, origin, and compatibility with our mission statement for the "celebration and empowerment of women's sexuality".
Aside from this web site feature, we take our consumer advocacy to the media at every opportunity.
). We're glad that they debunked ViaCreme, disclosing its marketing pyramid scheme structure, violations of Health Canada regulations, and suspect claims denounced by both a Sexual Psychologist and a Physician. We're also pleased that the issues around dangerous jelly, vinyls and rubber sex toys arose for the first time in consumer media. The German scientist's disturbing results were reviewed and the deceptive advertising regarding use and contents reviewed. For those viewers watching,
) International Month of the Dildo column where a brief history of the dildo follows along with a well researched "scary truth" warning about the "shit-ware" that is found in so many mainstream shops. As Cass King so kindly says "The good news is that the dildo is here to stay, and there are conscientious retailers out there who won't carry the shit-ware.
Look at it this way: You wouldn't buy a toothbrush at a low-rent sex shop. Why would you buy a dildo there? Hey, you might be frugal, but you're not cheap." Josey Vogel of
couldn't agree more with her Holiday shopping guide column written specifically to save consumers from buying their sweetie something that might make them throw up!
If it's in-depth research on how these health hazards, deceptive sales practices, and price gouging. can come about in the first place, please also read our essays: Womyns'Ware Buying Policy:
Have you heard of or seen a sex toy that you don't see here in our online catalogue?
, and we'll review it. If we like it, we may add it to our inventory! If we don't, you'll hear about it here!
Vortex Vibrations starts their product description by telling us that Vortex is not a vibrator. OK, so what is it? What could use air flow to stimulate the clitoris so that the user will be free of the 'irritation' that can occur with vibrators or massagers' ? The manufacturer doesn't show the product on the box, so what could it be that's making the fit, naked woman on the label writhe in ecstasy? Well, it's a vacuum hose attachment. This is just wrong in so many ways.
#1 - The clitoris is wet. It likes to be wet. It's like your eyeballs...built-in wetness. Can you imagine putting a vacuum on your clitoris? You'd wind up with a clit that was dried out like an old eraser!
#2 - Uh.... It's a vacuum hose attachment. How sexy is that? How do you introduce that into your sex life? How do you use it with a partner? How does one say 'Excuse me dear, I just have to fire up the Electrolux, don't mind the noise!"
#3 - OK, let's say you're fine with that, say you have a housework fetish or something... how about the warning that you shouldn't use the Vortex with a vacuum that's too powerful. Do you know how powerful your vacuum is? Do you want to use your clitoris to find out? Me neither.
X-Rated Ring Toss
X-Rated Ring Toss (a 'Novelty Product')
While browsing through a new XXX "novelty" product catalogue we were not so lucky to come across a product deemed "perfect for adult parties!" If you've never looked through these novelty catalogues before, you may not believe our description of what passes for marketing and bright, new ideas ... the Ring Toss advertisement features a raised, naked, female rear-end, kneeling doggie style, in a rumpus room setting. The game (and the toy) consists of a stick jutting out of her anus, with rings being tossed on to this target. As our very maternal Retail Manager says: "Well then I think I¹ll stick to kids parties because if a stick in the bum is what I¹ll be getting at an adults party I'll pass." We're thinking that either their test market group consisted of Frat boys during the height of Greek Week on college campuses across America or fellows who've never moved on from what they consider to be their glory days in the Frat house. Not only is this human target "ring toss" game stupid...it's dangerous. A stiff "stick" with no base inserted into ones bum is a bad idea... another potential case of a toy lost in the "abyss". Final motherly advice: Use your words AND don't put sticks in your bum!
Clit Bumper
Beware the Clit Bumper. Truth in advertising is a laudable concept often lacking in the XXX industry. In the case of the product called the "Clit Bumper", while the name describes exactly what the product does, we still feel we'd be remiss if we didn't point out what that means to the consumer. The Clit Bumper is part of a series of sex toys all portrayed as doing pretty much the same thing ... attaching to the male partner's penis and adding clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Good idea. Bad design. A hard plastic case (or the jelly case with a hard metal and plastic motor inside of some models) banging against the clit is unpleasant, not tantalizing, and the plastic (or no-stretch jelly) rings for the penis strangle the poor guy. You would think that there would be some awareness of how uncomfortable a tight, unforgiving clamp around the shaft of the penis would be, what with all the general complaints about the lack of comfort in simple latex condoms, but apparently either the workings of the penis are lost on the Clit Bumper designers or they just plain don't care. It¹s the gimmick, not the outcome, that's going to sell this disaster of design. On the bright side, once sales of Clit Bumpers fall off, they can always reissue the product under a new name. Here're our suggestions: Clit Basher, Smasher, Muncher, Musher, Pounder, Pulper, Crusher, Cruncher or Scruncher.
The Butterfly, Hummingbird, Vibrating Thong WITH WIRELESS REMOTE!
For those couples who just can't get enough of fighting over the remote. Go with us here...you're getting all dressed up for a night on the town and your honey slips you a little gift wrapped box. You open it and inside you find a jelly butterfly with vibrator attached. You wear the cold, clammy piece of plastic that stinks up the car and stains your dress with toxic ooze...and HE GETS THE REMOTE. What a lovely gift! You could get the same effect by wearing your pager and a dozen Creepy Crawlers in your panties. At least when you tire of the game, you'll still have a pager.
Bungee Slings
Okay. We admit that here the "E" stands for elastic, not electronic, but we just couldn't let this one go by. Any one who's ever bungee jumped or even thought about it knows that the whole point of the bungee in the jump is that the bungee cords are elastic - they stretch with the weight of the body and gravity but bounce back. You bounce up and down for sometime after the initial jump, actually. This is either fun or disconcerting, depending on your tolerance for bumping around and hanging upside down. Good for an exhilarating adventure. Difficult to handle for sex play. The bungee slings advertised for sexual use don't translate well from jumping to bumping. The whole point of the well designed nylon or leather banded sex slings is to provide a weightless, but controlled suspension for sex. Bungees bounce. Every where. At random. Virtually impossible to get into with out a crowd, erratic and uncontrollable bouncing ensues once you're in. Motion sickness is not uncommon. So, unless you've got a thing for flaying around and feeling queasy during sex, leave the bungees for jumping.
Liquid Virgin
Liquid Virgin Beware! Folks, we don't make these things up. In fact, we find it hard to even imagine what it'd be like to be the people who do make these products up! We are, of course, talking about the newest "lotion & potion" to hit the XXX shop stands - Liquid Virgin. Despite the name, Liquid Virgin will not break her hymen, make her cry, or inspire her to barf up vodka cooler in the back of your dad's Chevy sedan. Liquid Virgin, according to its manufacturers, is a "Vaginal Contracting Lubricant" whose "lightly strawberry scented" "super potent formula" promises "a tight, wet feeling for that extra stimulating sensation". Setting aside that we don't believe the stuff actually "contracts" the vagina, let's get this straight... first you give her Spanish fly, orgasm gel, or one of any number of snake oil remedies to make her horny... then when she's feeling good and randy, you just wipe on some magic strawberry lube to make her vagina contract??? What's up with that? Is she your sex partner or is she a lab rat? Our revolutionary advice: Ask her what she likes, and then do it for her. There's no more "amazing contracting feeling" than a woman having an actual orgasm.
Strap-on Butterfly
What's worse than the Butterfly vibe? The Strap-on Butterfly vibe. At least the older version was benign. It just slumped across your pubic mound, with slack elastic, a clumpy bulk of plastic vibe jutting inexplicably out of your crotch, with little actual vibe contact. The new version is downright malignant. Now it comes with an attached jelly dong (the addition of the built-in dildo makes the *butterfly* look like an enraged, fully engorged erection-bug from another planet) that the maker suggests you should "wear all day or just for that special evening". We're here to tell you that wearing an inserted jelly vibe all day is a horrific idea. The potential for a rash, let alone toxic shock syndrome (from the absorbancy and resulting festering bacteria) and gross exposure to phthalates is no laughing matter. With phthalate studies showing two hours of continuous exposure resulting in excessive toxicity, what in the world is a manufacturer doing even making a penetrative jelly toy? Not to mention one that is designed and advertised for long-term insertion. The package's slogan is "enjoy wave after wave of intense concealed pleasure". A more accurate slogan might read "suffer wave after wave of intense itching and burning" but we guess that might not sell as well.
Audio-controlled & USB Powered Vibrators
The Newest gimmicks from the adult novelty market - Audio controlled and USB powered (Plug and play?) vibes - suffer from the Geek Gimmick Syndrome. When the main selling factor of any product is its gimmickery, the product remains desirable only so long as the gimmick remains... a built-in obsolescence that provides a temporary thrill for the technologically fixated among us but provides long term satisfaction (in the form of dollars) only to the manufacturer. For that reason, the manufacturer generally has little concern about how well the product is made or how long it will last. Take USB-powered vibes for example. USB stands for Universal Serial Bus, otherwise known as the flat plugs with the tri-pronged icon on any printer or other computer peripheral built after say, 1998. For now, the USB plug is ubiquitous ... but so were dot matrix printers and tape drives (yes, kiddies ... cassette tape drives preceded even the ancient 5" floppy disk... Ask your Grandma, she'll tell you). Do you, the consumer, care that your vibe could be obsolete in a couple of years? No, because you don't (or shouldn't) expect a novelty vibe to last more than 6 months. And the USB vibe can be powered by battery, in case you should, god forbid, venture away from the cube. Still, why pay for the extra functionality? Until they finally come out with the toy that can be operated from Bahia by your Brazilian lover while you recline blissfully in Cobourg, Ontario beside your snoring husband, the only possible use for a USB-powered vibe is obvious ... to say you have one, you big techno-geek. To be fair, we see a couple of useful applications of the audio controlled vibe; most suggestions in our informal Womyns' Ware brainstorming session had to do with using the vibe in conjunction with a good paddling. Or maybe a signal whip. The audio-controller aspect on the Made in Taiwan sample vibe that we were sent actually worked well, and had good sensitivity, but before five minutes had passed the vibrating bullet heated up to such a degree that we thought instead of the wearable rubber butterfly sheath provided, the maker should have included a wearable pelvic oven mitt. As if that isn't bad enough, we feel compelled to reveal the most dangerous aspect of this particular gimmick: the possibility that it might inspire one to finally appreciate Tibetan chanting and the Didgeridoo.
Silicone Flex Probe
The marketing team that thought up the Silicone Flex Probe missed out on some clever product endorsement by failing to note the remarkable similarity between their anal probe and the high-tech military submarine Proteus shrunk to microbial dimensions in the 1966 sci-fi classic the Fantastic Voyage. Starring Raquel Welch, the plot involves a surgical team miniaturized to subatomic size and placed into the equally tiny Proteus submarine which is injected into the body of a defecting Eastern Bloc scientist with an inoperable blood clot in his brain. The team must travel within the body of the comatose scientist in order to perform surgery and save the West from saboteurs. Once inside, the crew of the Proteus battles an uncommon array of enemies: leukocytes, T-cells, viruses, the challenges of navigating the aorta and other micro frights which attack the submariners in every nook and cranny.
Like this original inner-space adventure, purchasers of the Flex Probe can expect the unexpected! You see, the *selling point* of this anal probe is its "super flex-coil, versatile plug with sturdy suction cup base and non-tarnishing secure mount". Translation: the plug is a thin, submarine shaped probe with NO secure base to keep the toy from passing past the sphincter muscles and onwards into the anal canal, rectum, and beyond to the endless depths of gastrointestinal tract open for exploration. The base is separate from the plug, with a screw mount that attaches to a suction cup. This might seem like a good idea for fancy executive pen sets, resembling a stationary pen stand, as it does. But for butts, this is a fantastic voyage waiting to happen. Now you're starting to see the product promotion opportunities, if only Raquel Welch could be brought back to star in the sequel, the second generation sub, the Flex-Proteus, could enter the rectum of the once again comatose scientist to battle haemorrhoids, colon foes, and navigate the prostate gland and other rectal menaces.
Other worthy plots for our traveling anal probe can be found in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Innerspace, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea if you're feeling anally adventurous!
The LoveDome Recordable Vibrator
OK, let's have a look at what we can tell about this product just by reading the box: the first descriptive line underneath the name of the product is this: Recordable message base with vibrator. So ... the base is more important than the vibe, right? Otherwise, wouldn't the copy read "Vibrator with recordable message base?" Now, then the next thing we see is a cheezy graphic of a fully dressed man, his face obscured by being buried in the neck of a blonde wearing what passes for an elegant gown in the porn business. Then there is a picture of the vibe itself, a cheap, hard plastic, straight toy set into a gigantic base. This is the base into which one is to breathe one's sexy message, 10 seconds of which the user will hear every time she picks up or replaces the vibe into the handset. We know this because the advertising copy hollers from the speaker: "The next best thing to you is your loving voice when she picks up and uses her vibe!" Does anybody else find this as creepy as we do? Doesn't it remind you of 2001: A Space Oddessy? "Put the vibrator AWAY, HAL..." And moreover, what's up with this big idea of vibrators as replacement for a real man? Is this still the 21st century? But we digress. This kind of recording-message trinket is sold in every kid's toy store for $3.99 or less...with one exception... no porno people gracing the packaging. Those porno people sure must be expensive.
Tongue Tingler
We are humbled...the XXX industry has proven us wrong with their Tongue Tingler sex toy! You see, we thought the Tongue Joy design couldn't get much worse but they've done it! They've taken what was essentially a broccoli-stem elastic band fit with a vibrator and "evolved" it by adding ear extensions so that the elastic band is sure not to slip off of your tongue - as IF the problem was that the vibe not staying put on your tongue was the sole design flaw in the first place. The entire concept is a design flaw, for gawds sakes. They've added ear attachments ('flesh' colour no less so that it'll blend in and she'll never know that your gagging and spiting out part of a filling that's come loose is from the Tongue Tingler (which is hidden by the flesh colour harness). Instead, she'll think this reaction is from giving her 'oral action'!! Ironically, the design addition has made at least one useful product: a vibrating, gag inducing, piece of BDSM equipment for the most heinous of sadists. All you have to do is rename it the Tongue Twister and you've got a hit torture device on your hands.
The Case of the Bullying Batteries
"I heard from another retailer that I should use only cheap, no-name batteries in my sex toys because if I use brand name batteries they will be too strong and they might burn out the toy. Is this the case with your toys?"
- Concerned in Calgary.
EGAD! Can we imagine for a moment being told by the sales clerk at our local electronics shop that our transistor radio will burn out if we use quality batteries? We would tell that clerk to keep that radio, and their crummy batteries, now, wouldn't we? This is another case of the XXX industry-standard bait-and-switch. "Step right up folks... now look at this VIBRA-3000 toy with all its bells and whistles, It rotates! It lights up! It plays HAVA NAGILA and POP GOES THE WEASEL! BUT WAIT there's more...buy our crappy batteries because if you use the good ones it will short out the toy and that won't be our fault for manufacturing this useless piece of landfill, it will be YOUR FAULT!!! YOU AND YOUR BULLYING BATTERIES!!" I might add that AA, AAA, C and D cell batteries are 1.5 Volt - that's the amount of power that they put out. The difference between good batteries and bad is how long they "put out for" and at what rate they fall off. But 1.5 is 1.5. The moral of this story is... if you can't use the best batteries in your toys, you can bet you bought a dud. In fact, the more complex a toy is (such as dual vibes with the rotating shafts and vibrating clitoral functions) the more likely it is that you will need a high-powered name-brand battery to enjoy its full functionality.
The World's Best Vibrating Penis Extension!
The opening scene from Blue Velvet has stuck with me through all of the nineties and well in to the new millennium. Just when I thought I would no longer be haunted by the image of a severed member laying in the grass, along comes the "World's Best Vibrating Penis Extension" - as an aside, the name of this product should be a warning to every one in the world about just how bad all the other penis extenders must be if this one is the world's best. Oh, the horror! A three inch representational stub of a penis tip with a roll-out sleeve (kayakers in the audience will recognize the skirt technology adaptation - a neoprene stretchy skirt that one wears, stretching it over the kayak compartment making paddler and kayak one for the purposes of keeping the sea out of one's kayak) that rolls down the shaft of the penis, thereby embedding the extender onto the head of the real McCoy. And, as in Blue Velvet, this severed member hints at the horror that lies beneath. You see, the extender houses a vibrator - the little mini-vibes we sell as the Re-Buzz to be exact. Right there on the tip of your penis. A convenient place to torment the wearer at his most sensitive spot with way too intense vibration, a hard, vibrating plastic shell tapping over and over again on the penis head, and, if that isn't sufficiently evil, one can always have battery corrosion to look forward to should any pre-ejaculate or semen get on the vibe and into the unsealed battery compartment. And you thought Denis Hopper on acid was freaky.
Dildo Head Harnesses
We had a request for one of these recently. Our response? Ever heard of shaken baby syndrome? We don't sell dildo head harnesses because they aren't suitable for the purpose. The neck is what actually has to move to operate the harness, and that is very painful. Try bobbing your head up and down rapidly, with much forward pressure, for even three minutes and you'll soon see why the neck and the pelvis are so differently engineered! If the idea is still compelling, we recommend selecting a thigh harness and a double or single dildo (depending on whether you also want a gag or not). At least this way, you have a collection of functioning toys used in other ways, once you establish for yourself how awkward a dildo head harness is to operate and how sore your neck is for days later!
Snake Oil Sales: Dubious or sneaky sales practices
We get many product recommendations from various suppliers on a regular basis. Many are blips on the Richter scale, some are welcome and some are not, and every once in a while we get hit with a slew of products all patterned on the latest trend in Snake Oil Sales techniques. The latest technique making the rounds is the old negative content booster, specifically “nonabsorbent” material notations. Just because a product is NOT one thing doesn’t make it another... it’s like snack food that prominently proclaims “No Trans Fat” while ignoring the sugar content that’ll rot your teeth. A savvy consumer asks: “What IS the product, never mind what it is not!”
Take the Shiri Zinn Minx vibrator. This is a pink cylindrical vibe that comes complete with its own silver plated display stand, a detachable marabou feather tail, and a stainless steel cap encrusted with pink Swarovski crystals and a pretty price to match. And its functions? Variable speed powered by two C cell batteries. Not too much new here in innovation, just a lot of showy accessories reminiscent of gifts for small, toy “purse” dogs! So how do you pitch the product? Try a prominent label touting that the shaft is "non porous, hygienic, easy to clean". How do they achieve this? By making the shaft out of medical-grade poly carbonate plastic similar to ABS plastic. Yeah ... so is my new plumbing installation and trust me, I paid top dollar for that and never once did I entertain the thought of using the pipe ends that were scattered through out my house as a sex toy. Sure, you can dress it up and you can make it rattle but what ever happened to penetrative toys that were forgiving? What about a toy that works with your anatomy instead of against it? Silicone is the only non porous, heat conducting, vibration conducting and forgiving material on the market that is nontoxic. Inert. Safe for insertion. Nonabsorbent is only part of the equation along the way to what makes a good penetrative toy. Renovation romance, it is not! Besides, if I'm going to spend my dollars on plumbing supplies I think I'll take that money and purchase the sexy rain shower system I've been eyeing!
Canada Arm
We have a regular customer who works for a large Greater Vancouver society for support of adults with physical challenges. We've been adapting products and making use recommendations to accommodate the society's clients for many years. During one of our customer's routine visits to check in on new products, she asked us about a device called the Canada Arm. We looked into this device and found out that it's actually just the Flex-O-Pleaser under an assumed name. We used to carry this product because of its extended reach (making it easier to place for folks with either limited hand mobility or torso strength) but removed it from our product line more than two years ago due to its extremely poor quality. The Flex-O-Pleaser consistently overheated and rattled away at such a loud frequency that it became known as the *weed whacker*. It was embarrassing to promote, given the disappointment these two problems invoked. In its place, we established an account with our local Home Hardware and applied ourselves to adapting better products such as the Mini Pearl to a longer reach courtesy of a wooden dowel and a hose clamp. We are always open to examining a particular customer's needs and adapting quality products to suit. Our co-founder, Otter, just sets her design training to work on the challenge and Voila!, a better mouse trap. In other words, don't settle for second best when the first choice can be made available with a little ingenuity.
Nubby G
A customer recently asked us if we had heard of the Nubby G and if so, what we thought of it. The Nubby G is the exact same product as the Crystal Jelly G-Spot profiled below under "Health Hazards". Re-packaging and releasing under a new name is a common marketing ploy used by the companies that produce these cheap toys. It works like this: you buy the Crystal Jelly G-Spot because of your interest in exploring your G-Spot. All you have to go on is the packaging claims and name of the product. You try the product and it's horrible. You get a rash from the jelly rubber, the toy is discoloured and smelly within the first month, and it didn't do a thing for your G-Spot. You throw it out. You go back to the same or a different shop and look for a replacement G-Spot toy. Now, you're seeing the Nubby G. Again, you choose based on the packaging claims. Same experience. Repeat. It's how they can get away with selling the same old crap over and over again. They re-package it. Just remember, "A rose by any other name ..."
Staff Favourites: Why we don't have them
Ever wonder why we here at Womyn'sWare don't have a section on our site featuring our staff's favourite toys? We were recently asked why we didn't feature staff favourites as the customer thought that was really handy on the web site of one of our competitors. We asked them what that competitor was recommending, and then we showed them those products (in this case, the Big Flirt). Well, the customer thought that Big Flirt was awfully hard and would probably hurt his prostate. We agreed and then worked backwards to what he was looking for in the first place. This did get us thinking about those featured products, though, so we decided to write a little missive to explain our thoughts.
"It's not uncommon to see a business on the internet advertising select products as "staff favourites" or "best sellers". In some cases, the products may well be properly described as such but in too many cases the real reason for the selection is to move dead stock (unpopular and therefore too much of it on hand) or discontinued items that the retailer wants to clear out. We'd like to encourage customers to choose their selections by matching up what they're looking for (what do you want the product to do? how do you want to use it? with whom? where? do you have a price limit? do you want one product to do it all or would you rather accessorize? do you want a long term warranty?) with what we have to sell. That's why we give you so much information on the choices available within product categories. Our goal is to provide education so that you'll be an informed consumer ready to make the right selection for you, regardless of some staff member's favourite or product popularity contests. And while we would be loath to call something a favourite or best seller as a deceptive selling technique, we still don't want to classify products that way because we don't want to distract our customers from making the decision that's right for them. After all, who determines what's popular? Often, all it takes for a sex toy to be popular is for the toy to be featured on TV or in a fashion magazine. But ask yourself, do I want every thing else that they're selling on TV or in this magazine? Probably not. Probably, you're just interested in the sex toy "recommended" because you don't know much about sex toys in general. Well... that's what we're here for. To teach you about sex toys in general so that you can make an informed decision, popular or not."
Viacreme
“Womanhood ... The way it was meant to be!” or a selling pyramid scam and a suspect potion that none of us is prepared to put on our clitoral tissue?! The latest Snake Oil salesman technique in the XXX industry comes courtesy of some manipulative advertising copy and a pyramid distribution scheme.
Viacreme is being marketed as a topical cream that women simply apply to their external genitals and voila “Womanhood ... the way it was meant to be!” The maker’s version of “Womanhood” comes complete with a romantic fantasy look packaging showing a fair maiden astride a horse, completely enthralling the Knight below. Womanhood also doesn’t come cheap. It’s $20 for a 2 ml vial of the stuff. Despite the cheesy packaging, we’re asked to believe that the formula for Viacreme is some how related to Nobel Prize winning research and the male drug, Viagra. Some reading between the lines and research courtesy of our chemist acquaintances suggests otherwise. The disclaimer on the packaging notes that none of the statements in the packaging have been evaluated by the FDA yet all of the statements concern statistics, comparisons to the patented drug Viagra, the 1998 Nobel Prize in Medicine, safe compounds, active ingredients, clinical testing, estrogen, and “making certain to work Viacreme into the tissue on the underside of the clitoris”. All phrases that would seem to speak to some form of federal government drug approval. If none of these statements have been evaluated, one ought to ask why they make up the sum total of all information being provided by the maker - seems rather deceptive, don'tcha think?!
Four of the active ingredients are products commonly found in cosmetics (such as Propylene Glycol, a common moisture carrying vehicle known to cause more sensitivity reactions than glycerin; Menthol, a derivative of peppermint safely used away from mucous membranes only if in concentrations of less than 1% or less - think Vicks Vapor Rub gals! - and MethylParaben, a toxic allergenic, none of which which we’re fond of applying to our delicate tissues, we might add!) while the remaining two ingredients form the basis for the makers verbose claims of clitoral arousal. The first of these ingredients,
L-Arginine, is used in the treatment of hypertension and as a muscle relaxant. A search of the biomedical literature database (http:www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/PubMed/) shows several papers documenting the induction of penile erection in rodents. This hardly substantiates Viacreme’s claims with respect to the clitoris. Countless physiological studies demonstrate that the clitoris and penis are not the same organ - in fact, the blood flow works in the opposite fashion (see our discussion of this under the description for the Clitberry) - and there are no studies that even link clitoral stimulation to the nitric oxide pathway, which L-Arginine is supposed to affect. Scientific expert Dr. Philip Marsden agrees, noting that "the proof as to whether arginine is important in the female climatic response is not there" and disapproving of a marketing approach that implies health benefits that are unsubstantiated. For more on Dr. Marsden's research, please see this article at the CBC. As for the remaining ingredient, Hydroxyechylcellose, we couldn’t find a single entry on the FDA site. So, as far as we can tell, it’s not an approved substance.
Silicone-like Products
Beware hyphenated silicone! Hot on the heels of public demand for silicone products comes the next wave in deceptive advertising from the XXX sex toy industry - the "silicone-like" material descriptions. This involves packaging, ad copy, and website pages that describe products with pseudo-copyright terms such as "silicone-like", "organo-silicone" and "Siligel". On their face, one would think that such terms mean that the product is made of silicone. Sadly, it means the exact opposite. By tacking on a descriptive phrase to the word "silicone", these sex toy sellers are fabricating a material description to suggest silicone in the contents, when actually the product is NOT silicone. If you complain, their response may well be "but we never said it was silicone per se, we said it was silicone-like." To protect yourself from these scams, remember that the only acceptable generic description of "silicone" is "silicone". This term identifies the substance of the sex toy - its essential nature. Never accept a hyphenated description as anything other than deceptive. Think of silicone sex toys as the furniture equivalent of fine Italian leather or gem equivalent of a diamond. Cubic Zirconia just won't do!
Vazoplex
Snake Oil in the Classic Sense... Right down to the Fake Medical Jargon. This manufacturer's site contains a page called "Study Results", which details a supposedly medical study done with a control group of 50 women. Unfortunately, the manufacturers do not disclose the source of the study. This makes us very suspicious, especially when the study uses suspicious and misspelt medical language. So... how did VAZOPLEX cure the yeast infection/allergic reaction/psychological trauma??? Also, the Symphysis Pubis is the joint between the pelvic cradle, it's the cartelidge under the Mons Pubis. So this woman's problem was that she applied the cream to her mound, rather than the more sensitive mucous membranes of the vagina or clitoral hood? BULLROAR. Love this part: "Vazoplex is manufactured by Gerovicap in an FDA approved *facility*. Gerovicap seems to specialize in "Diet Management", "Anti Aging", and "Sexual Enhancement" "medication".
Futuristic Names and "Metallic" Finishes
“All that glitters is not gold” is a proverb that sex toy buyers would do well to pay close attention to. While on the topic of short pithy sayings in general use, consumers may also benefit from remembering that in the sex toy industry, a rose by any other name doesn’t make it a better rose, or even necessarily a rose at all. In fact, when shopping through the murky waters of the sex industry gimmick, consumers need to think proviso over proverb every time.
A customer recently sought our help in tracking down the maker of a vibrator called the Millennium Y2K. The customer had been led to believe that the vibe was metal with a metallic finish. Unfortunately for this customer and probably other consumers with a similar experience but no where to turn, she found that the metallic finish was mere paint, now peeling off and ending up places that it ought not to (!) and that the futuristic name of the toy was no indication of superior, advanced quality, but just a hard to track down toy among countless others with similar names.
Most "metallic" sex toys, unless specifically described by a recognizable, graded metal description (i.e., machined surgical steel for the Kegilcisor) should be presumed to be merely a plastic toy painted a metallic colour. If the packaging or advertisement neglects to mention a specific metal content and/or grade (i.e. surgical steel or 14k gold), be aware that this is more than likely a purposeful omission and not a mere oversight. An unusually low price for what should be the costly metal material required to produce the product will generally be the shoppers second clue that the metallic description applied to most sex toys is more a kin to the “leatherette” of the vinyl furniture industry than it is an indication of modern day miracles of alchemy. A reasonable price for a stainless steel dildo or plug is at least $200. This standard should tell you that a $35 “metallic” vibrator is anything but a miracle metal. While undoubtedly of poor workmanship, whether or not the peeling paint is unhealthy really depends on the toxicology of the paint used. To know for certain, we’d have to take samples from the peeling culprit in question. Nonetheless, it's fair comment to say that if the toy came in a box marked "for novelty use only" then there’s been no foresight on the makers behalf to see that the paint used is safe for use within the body. With a name like Millennium Y2K, it could be made by any of the XXX toy makers. The trend with gimmicky “futuristic” names has been around for as long as the new millennium. “Cyber”, “Millennium”, and “Sonic” are the particular industry favourites of the moment. As with frequent changes to the packaging, renaming the same old thing, and making pseudoscientific claims, dubbing a product with some suggested advanced quality associated with it’s fancy, cutting edge name is just another marketing gimmick. Unless the plastic mold has a maker's name embedded in it or the customer saved the packaging, there's no way to narrow it down. Sadly, narrowing it down to the particular maker and writing a letter of complaint is not going to change the experience one bit for the consumer. If these companies cared about the safety of their products, they wouldn't put the emphasis on gimmicks like calling a metallic coloured basic vibe (the design of which has been around for more than 30 years with one colour scheme or another) after the new millennium nor would they hide behind a "novelty only" label. The best way for this customer to ensure that she and others are not “taken to the cleaners”, is to shop with only reputable businesses that are prepared to tell you about the safety and suitable use of the products before you buy them. In the absence of a reputable business, customers can at least follow the general rule of ignoring what is on the box, and trying to focus on what they want the product to do. Make a list of quality and design issues and ask a seller if they have a product that will meet that demand. If you really want it to be metal and not peeling paint, ask a specific question and settle for nothing less than a specific, unqualified answer.
Tantalizing Tabloid Toy Tales: Watch out for sensationalism!
Beware tabloid stories about sex toy *incidents*. Sensationalism television land finds sex toys and people who use them easy to make fun of. The story in question aired on City Pulse on CityTV (a local Vancouver based station) under the guise of consumer protection.
The essence of the consumer story at issue was the misuse of batteries and what consumers may not know about how batteries work and the consequences of, among other things, inserting them improperly into any electronic device. Unfortunately, batteries aren't tantalizing, so the story became the improper insertion of batteries into a sex toy which then turned into "
The attack of the dangerous Rabbit Habit". For more see our full essay. Nonetheless, if you feel any lack of confidence in your ability to follow battery insertion instructions, you should consider purchasing one of the 78 models we carry that will not operate with misinstalled batteries.
Beware Technical Jargon!
We recently received an email from a fellow sex shop operator looking for a cheap alternative to silicone. She was wondering about a massager that was being advertised by its maker as made of "VIRGIN GRADE POLY CARBONATE MATERIAL". The ad copy highlighted this description like it was obviously a great, new innovation. What a sham! It's just the technical jargon for a raw plastic resin. Buyers and sellers in the plastic injection molding industry are dealing in tons of this stuff for general purpose molding applications such as components for the household-appliance industries, decorative articles, and display inserts. The "virgin" aspect merely indicates that the particular batch is new, as opposed to regrind or reprocessed plastics. If you were looking for a higher grade designation in plastics, you'd skip the tantalizing virgin and look for a batch described as prime and/or medical grade. As for the poly carbonates, in the world of plastics they're not particularly unique. In the higher grade batches, the key selling point to a plastics merchant seems to be the transparency - in other words, it makes a pretty plastic insert for the front casing of your vacuum cleaner. Really, folks, a plastic is a plastic. Polysyllables aside, this one is still moisture absorbent, not crack resistant, insufficiently heat resistant for sterilization, and will yellow and have reduced impact strength with the passage of time and exposure to air and UV light.
Isn't it intriguing how you can take some technical jargon normally only of interest to a maker of plastics infusion molding, attach the jargon to a sex toy, and all of a sudden you've got something new and exciting. You probably wouldn't run down to Sears to pickup a new vacuum cleaner just because it was MADE OF VIRGIN GRADE POLY CARBONATE MATERIAL but add that tag onto a plastic sex toy and whoopee, I'd better get one.
Gimmicks: Just for laughs
Gynecological Tools for Weak Willed Women (with apologies to David Croneberg, and yet another obscure horror movie reference at Womyns'Ware)
Over the years we've received at least half a dozen Gyne-Flex-like products to evaluate. None have made it onto our shelves. The absent products all have in common the ick factor. "Ick" being the reaction of every woman who looks at them because they all look like a speculum. To exercise, one must be inspired. Ask every woman who is annually, at a minimum, seeing her Gyne-Op if she is inspired by the sight of a speculum, and you'd have to ask an awful lot of women before you find a positive answer.
Plastic is cold, hard, and scratchy. Plastic angles are not comfortable when felt from inside the vagina. You want the procedure over with, fast. The Gyne-Flex-like product designers need to stop looking to speculums for their design ideas because women don't want to go to that gym for a work out! Oh, besides not being inspired to look at, designing vaginal exercisers made out of plastic isn't very sensible for the intended use. Plastic is porous and therefore more difficult to keep clean, and will become brittle over the long run. And when plastic is repeatedly stressed in the same place - how these products are specifically intended to be used - it breaks. Many women are looking for Kegel exercisers post-operatively. It's not a good (or safe) idea to use a product that can't be sterilized and may break down during use, in these situations.
A few quibbles about the Gyn-Flex in particular (to be fair, most of the similar products we've looked at have similar packaging "issues"). The product copy promises a better life. We're not sure if it does laundry, dishes, and spits out cash, but if it doesn't, we don't see how this product improves lives. Product labels shouldn't make promises they can't deliver on.
We also read that it improves sexual function...somehow indicating that one who uses this product is "sexually better than" one who does not. Or that the product "fixes" a woman's vagina. Our vaginas are just fine, thanks. And stop blaming our vaginas by linking products to sexual function. It's off-putting, laying all the sexual performance and response blame on this one part of our bodies. We're orgasmic in many, many ways, often and even without involving our vaginas!
While we do sell Kegel exercisers (ones without these problems) we still acknowledge that the exercises can be done without an implement. Since you can do the exercises without a gym pass, the product needs to be made of a material that will be hygienic in the short and long term, comfortable to use, and compelling enough when looked at to inspire you to exercise, before we recommend it to customers.
Hygienically Superior to What?!
Here we go again, folks. The XXX industry continues to try to find more convoluted ways to avoid producing what the consumer wants. Now that consumers are starting to realize that a hygienic sex toy seems like a wise choice, the XXX industry has come up with a way to suggest they have just the toy on offer, when they don't. We're seeing a new crop of packaging with dildos and vibrators described as "Hygienically Superior". The description is usually displayed in a pseudo-certificate looking label. As if a health inspector stamped it there on the package, after running multiple health studies for your safety. Often, the description is also coupled with one of those patented names we've told you about before, like Futurotic MaterialTM! Where the name is patented. There is no substance nor material patent behind the name.
The obvious question is: "Hygienically Superior to What?" Just as obvious is the deception. The makers get away with this kind of label because they aren't actually telling the consumer what the product is hygienically superior to. So, technically, they aren't lying. They're just not giving you the whole story. In actual fact, the material may only be hygienically superior to a pile of dog feces, or an old toilet brush, or your younger brother's furthest reaching pile of discarded socks. Sorry! We know these are gross examples but they do prove our point. If you don't know what the point of comparison is, there is no reason to conclude that the comparison would stand up to what you're looking for: a hygienic sex toy.
Besides which, there is every reason to suspect that the answer to the question "To What?" isn't going to be very satisfactory. Really, is it so hard to offer silicone products and take the resultant margin loss that would follow from giving up on the cheap, cheap rubbers? Apparently, for the XXX industry, it remains more cost effective to keep patenting silly names and tweaking skating-on-the-edge of deceptive labels. It's just this simple: the material must by hygienic for use as a sexual product. If material can be labelled hypo-allergenic, it's hygienic. If the maker won't state what the elemental material is and warrant that it's hypoallergenic, there is no reason to trust that maker.
Clit Blaster Remote Vibe
The Clit Blaster is a fine choice if what you’re looking for is a hard plastic chastity belt. If you thought you were purchasing a discrete, remote control vibrator to “give pleasure anytime, anywhere” you’ll be sorely disappointed. The vibrator portion is a large, triangle shaped, hard plastic molded hunk of horror, what with its sharp edged point angling down and G-string style up and over your delicate parts, with only garter-weight elastic to hold it in place. Presumably, you’ll strap yourself into this chunk of plastic and wear it off to a public place for remote operation tantalization. Seems that the makers have never heard of panty lines, as you can imagine how discrete a lumpy, loudly reverberating, plastic panty line pubic mound irritant is going to be. Not very. The combination of pubic irritation and bulging plastic plated mound brings to mind the walking style of Ed Grimly. Now there’s how you want to look during your discrete public sex play. Hype over design in every respect.
GunSlinger Vibrator
We won't be adding the GunSlinger to our product line. The gun is more a novelty than anything else. Most women find vibrators designed for external vibration spread across the hood of the clitoris and labia to be the most effective. Vibration can also be pleasurable when pressed up against the G-spot (the urethral sponge, located approximately 2 1/2" up the vaginal canal, towards the pubic mound) and anally. A hard plastic gun with seams-a-plenty lacks the basic design elements that make a product suitable for any of the preferred vibrating options: is it soft and flexible? No. Is it made of a material suitable for penetration? No. Will the material effectively transmit vibration? No. Will it be comfortable for insertion and application on the G-spot or past the anal sphincter muscles? No. Will it be cold, clammy, heavy (3 - C-cells!), and painful (from the seams)? Yes. Does it look like a gun? Yes. Is that enough to qualify it as a good sex toy? NO. Oh ya - would you pay $45 CDN ($28 US) dollars for a vibrating gun if it sucked as a sex toy? If the answer is yes, go ahead and get it, though you can probably buy it in a loonie shop or the tacky store for a lot less.
Rubber Duckie
Rubber Duckie, you're NOT the one! Speaking of toys that vibrate... We've had some requests (and heard about some recommendations on sex shows) about these animal 'vibrators'. We've seen a rubber duckie as well as a turtle and frog. Basically, these are toys that vibrate. All three were available at the counter at Home Hardware last spring, as lawn ornaments (the vibration causes them to spin around in your yard's pond or kids wading pool). They sold for about $10. We double-checked and it is the same thing as the Home Hardware product. Change the packaging, call it a sex toy, and add $15 to the retail price and presto, you've got the amazing Rubber Duckie. Just 'cause it vibrates ... The shape isn't designed for a woman's body, it's designed to look like a toy version of the animal and the quality is just that, toy quality. If it appeals to you anyway, just stop by Home Hardware--don't pay extra just to get some packaging.
Remote Butterfly
One of our competitors is pushing the Remote Butterfly. We're not, and here's why: The key to good sex is communication. A remote sex toy might seem like a clever idea until you try it out. While you're cranking away on the remote speed your lover yells across the restaurant "that's too high (or low, or not variable enough, or she needs to reposition the placement of the vibe, or she's done and the last thing she wants after orgasm is for continued vibration on her now sensitive parts, or the batteries have run out ....). Aside from this practical consideration - which we think is a valid point given the hefty price tag of $65 U.S. dollars for what may turn out to be a big disappointment - the quality is questionable. Elastic straps that lose their elasticity as rapidly as any other household elastic band (rubber breaks down with exposure to light, body oils, handling, and the passage of time). Hard plastic fake looking butterfly that's too wide to comfortably position over most women's clits, and therefore is sitting on your pubic mound rattling your pubic bone rather than stimulating your genitals. And a remote technology that's no more advanced than in a $65 stereo, leaving you aiming all over the place trying to get a line of site for operation. Re: back to having your lover yell instructions across the room. Also, the Remote Butterfly is really loud! The vibrating motor shakes around inside the fake plastic butterfly creating a racket. Remote maybe; discreet, no!.
The Tongue
We also get asked for The Tongue. We product tested this item a few years back and found that it was the only product that we'd ever tested that our one multi-orgasmic test subject could not come with. She dubbed it the "clit sander" for its sand paper-like texture. It's also extremely heavy (multiple C-Cell batteries are necessary to get the giant tongue to move at all) to hold up. And unless you have a cow tongue fetish, you're probably going to find its appearance to be a mental put-off. With so many good sex toys to select from, why pick something that's just plain ugly? Update!: Since this review, the maker has added a power plug operated version and a mini version. Our verdict: not a better mouse trap! It is the same product ... the palm sander of vibrators. The C-cells made it heavy. Making it a plug-in didn't change that and making it mini didn't change that the texture and womping motion against the clitoris makes it a better option for home improvement projects than for sexual fulfilment!
The Fukuoku
All hype with plenty of gripe. It vibrates at 900 rpm which is generally far too fast, giving your clitoris a cramp rather than an orgasm. Its format is odd, with a clamp suggesting that the user would wear it on her finger but sized too large so that it doesn't even fit the thumb of an average woman's hand (size 7 glove size for reference). The Fukuoku packaging is getting worse as the vibe gains in popularity (due to magazine coverage and "As seen on TV" claim to fame). Now the 'severed finger' is purple and the packaging has an infamous Penthouse-style *crab shot* front and center. Cranked out of China, of course. The packaging now claims that the product is *water resistant*. We can't see how this could possibly be true since it's not a sealed unit. In fact, you can see the motor and battery compartment right through gaps in the plastic body of the vibe. Don't trust the label! Perhaps the maker wants you to get it wet and break it since they make an additional $14 on any warranty claim - the fine print on the one year *warranty* says you'll get a replacement IF you send in $14 with your warranty claim.
Jelly Penis Extender
Pretty much any mega XXX site or store is going to offer the soft jelly sleeve extensions for sale. Aside from being Womyns'Ware and therefore not pursuing male focused products, we wouldn't sell the jelly or rubber sleeves due to the absorbency issue. Here you have a product that is intended for you to ejaculate into and also insert into either the vagina or rectum. Yet the material is entirely not suitable for the purpose! We do not consider this product safe for use. The soft jelly or rubber will absorb all body fluids that it comes in contact with and it can not be cleaned to a sterile state. The result will be a festering bacteria sleeve and a potential infection through the urethra. There are no adequate silicone sleeves manufactured to date. Silicone is prone to tearing when it is caste in thin layers. We've seen attempts at making silicone in thin sheets but it tears easily when stretched. With such an expensive raw material and labour intensive manufacturing process, this means that a good quality silicone sleeve is still not available. Demand and supply have not yet warranted the R & D expenditures. A cock ring to engorge the penis with trapped blood flow may help to achieve the same objective, with none of the risks of the jelly devices.
Lipstick Vibrator
Oh, yes. The lipstick vibe is like the Gunslinger - a hard plastic pile of junk that you'll buy because it "looks like something else" and then experience (1) hard plastic with seams (2) loud rattling noises (3) motor burn-out and battery acid leaking from cheap electronics. We actually stocked this vibe in our first year of operation. As soon as we realized how truly poor the quality was we put the vibes on deep discount to try and sell off the stock. We had them stacked on a table with a sign saying "grab a vibe $10" and still it took four months to sell off the stock simply because when seen and handled, any sensible person can tell that the vibe is of little use and of poor quality. The price paid is for it looking like an oversized lipstick in a lipstick case. Pure gimmick. Also watch out for the Liberty Torch and the Cell Phone! A better product that still looks "like something else" is the Natural Contours--they are an excellent choice.
The Madonna Condom
We received a sample of this new product and we're not interested in selling what is just a generic run-of-the-mill condom simply because it's got an exploitive photo of someone famous. Madonna apparently signed a broad image release form when she was young (and lacked legal representation) when she took part in the photo shoot. Condomania heard that Madonna wasn't too happy about the product being out there, but she never took any action to try to fight them on it. The marketer is now making money off of her image and her early career mistake. It just isn't really the sort of money making venture that Womyns'Ware Inc. should take part in. Our product buying policy mandates that we consider only the highest quality products within their specific product class, with an eye to design, health and suitability for the purpose. We don't take into account marketing schemes, celebrity endorsement, and other "as seen on TV" type ad campaigns that merely add to the end user's price on the product, while contributing nothing to the quality. However, if you want one, we'll tell you where you can get one. Try Condomania if you must have one.
Disposable Vibrating Rings
Speaking of buying policy and not taking into account marketing schemes ...
these Disposable Vibrating Rings being marketed to women by Trojan and other condom makers
are really getting under our craw. Why are they disposable? Who is that good for? The landfill? The environment? The maker because they can sell a whole lot of them instead of one? Oh, wait ... we think we answered our string of questions! Why is something that can be made to
last a decade being made to throw away after a single use?
Like far too many female 'hygiene' products, it's being made to throw away so that women will spend more money than is necessary. And the marketing wizards that come up with this stuff are
using the same, old tired false premise to justify the disposable element. And
that false premise is that sex is kind of dirty, women's genitals are smelly and dirty, and so put women and sex together and you have
sexual women which is really
icky , so of course any product for women to use during sex to be sexual should naturally be disposable. The whole thing is very unnatural to us. P.S. if these condom making people are so down with making something for women, how about an affordable female condom?
The Sybian
The Sybian is truly a horrific device. It's basically a mechanical bull a la Urban Cowboy with a penile seat attachment. On this penile shaft, one mounts various Sybian attachments. Schlongs, scary looking butt plugs, etc. The device costs about $2000 U.S. dollars. The attachments cost $20 CDN each. Hence, you're paying more than a good used mid-sized car for a machine when the end result is you're inserting into your body the worst cheap rubber money can buy. We understand from some disappointed users that the machine itself caused so much racket that they had to put it on a stack of camping foamies to try and keep their neighbour's curiousity at bay. Shops like the Love Nest sell test runs where you must byob - "b" standing for bad rubber attachment (we're not kidding, go to their website) which brings to mind a robot staffed brothel, while the Sybian company offers a return policy (see their website) which, while you're out all the freight, may at least give you the opportunity to try the product with out having to own the bull!
The Tongue Joy
The latest hype in the sex toy industry is called the Tongue Joy. A small, chrome vibrator that is portrayed strapped onto a partner’s tongue with a small elastic O-ring for use during oral sex. Unfortunately, despite the Joyous season for this product’s release, it’s not “Tongue Joy” to the world! The product is retailing for $80 to $150 so you might assume that there’s some quality behind the price but our investigations turned up little quality. We surmise that the price is more reflective of the general public’s gullible nature when it comes to selecting toys marketed for oral sex, than anything else. Made in China, the vibe requires two watch sized batteries at $4 per battery (the maker offers a “turbo” pack that runs on two “AA” batteries but then it’s not very small anymore, is it?). We found a reputable distributor who’d stopped selling the product in their flagship store because the vibes were burning out too quickly. This didn’t surprise us when we noticed that the unit’s not “spit” proof so the batteries are likely to leak and corrode when used in the mouth. Quality aside, the application of the vibe was the most compelling reason for us to post a BeWare. The tongue straps elicit a gag response (not the result one’s looking for during oral sex!) and the vibration on the tongue is like brushing your tongue with an electric tooth brush where all the soft bristles have been replaced by a miniature metal mallet. When the vibe comes in contact with your teeth, it seems as if you’ll chip a tooth or lose a filling. If you’ve cause to purchase a Tongue Torture, this is the device for you. Otherwise, save your money and focus on oral technique without the turbo charge.
Health Hazards: Products that should not be on the shelves
Cervical Suction Sucks
We recently had a question from a customer about a cervical suction device seen depicted in a film. The film showed a man operating a pump which was apparently activating a suction device placed internally onto the cervix with the suggestion that this was producing instantaneous orgasm for the female recipient. The device was described as a "small glass canister that fit directly over the cervix ... that seemed to bring the woman to orgasm rather quickly". We couldn't track down the film nor a specific product sold under this pretense but felt it was important to address the "as seen on film" product nonetheless. Mainly because when we started investigating, the first response from women who had had invasive cervical procedures (vaginal childbirth, cervical biopsy, and abortion to name a few) was a collective "Aargh!" followed by a wince!!
From that anecdotal survey, we decided that we needed to better understand the cervix's function. The role that it plays in the grand scheme of things.
Sure we knew that it stays shut and keeps the uterine lining in, just in case you are planning on "planting something" and naturally we knew that it opens up to let the lining or "little sprout" out whenever the lunar powers that be decide the time is right. But we had never really looked into the cervix so to speak. We are, admittedly, a little ashamed or our neglectful attitude towards this part of the female reproductive system. Here we all are female children of the 60's and 70's toiling away in the feminist, sexual rights and empowerment field and we've been ignoring the cervix. We've seen cervical exams ( yep ... the whole mirror and speculum bit. Some of us girl children got to sit in on our extended families home exams!) and we've seen the miracle of birth more than once (heck one of us even had the opportunity to eat stewed placenta!). But the cervical function has remained an unexplored mystery! So we did a little reading and here is what we found:
The cervix is one part of the female reproductive system and is sometimes referred to as the "neck" of the uterus. One of its key functions is to provide an alkaline secretion that bathes and lubricates the walls inside the vagina. The constant downward flow of this mucous prevents bacteria from entering the uterus. This mucous is sperm friendly so the little swimmers can get through the mucous barrier while other germs are 'blocked' (unless attached to a sperm). If these germs enter the uterus, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) can develop and the 'blocked' germs can develop into cervical infections such as Chlamydia and gonorrhea.
The preponderance of information we tracked down in relation to manual dilation of the cervix led us to abortion or dilation and curettage techniques. These are not procedures that should be practiced at home or outside of a physician's care (see the movie Vera Drake if you want a historical perspective) so we are inclined to say that dilation of the cervix in any context should not be practiced outside of a physician's care.
So what does this tell us about the wisdom of the cervical suction device?
It tells us that there will probably never be a suction device for the cervix that we can recommend!! Not now, and not if we do eventually track down the film, and not even if it was more than just a film prop and the maker writes us a long, plaintive email telling us why their cervical suction device is simply the best. No. Nadda. No way. Not to mention that we have yet to meet a woman who has found her menstrual cramps, labour pains or D&C surgery a turn on. Cervical dilation hurts ... period. The pain, the risk of infection and the potential risk of a weakened cervix are three good reasons not to give cervical dilation a try. What with the elusive clitoral and vaginal orgasms in the mix we figure we've got enough on our plates!
Absorbshun
Absorbshun
A customer asked us to look into a product called "Absorbshun" for reducing vaginal moisture during sex. We looked, we saw, we assessed the sample and the marketing support materials and we say: "Buyer Be WomynsAware: do not purchase, use, or sample this product! It is a health risk, a deceptive gimmick, and a banner example of products that play on pathologizing healthy sexuality by labeling normal sexual reactions as 'sick or abnormal' ".
For starters, the Absorbshun Natural Powder label tells us how dangerous the product is:
"Use of this product in any quantity may cause temporary tenderness and micro-abrasions to the genital area". What they don't tell you is how serious a micro-abrasion can be, putting you at risk of infection and transmission of STDs.
And here is a product that can do this when used in any quantity! But there is no surprise there, since the only ingredient that Absorbshun contains is Hydroxyproplyl distarch Phosphate ... something used in Wallboard Joint Compound! The packaging and applicator even looks like something you'd find in the hardware department, kind of like a large container of super bond glue. We don't even want to speculate on what prompted the makers to think that they should add it to their sex, let alone recommend that women apply it on their genitals.
It reminds us of those experimental drug advertisements that you see on TV ... the ones where a couple is running on the beach and the voice over calmly states that "side effects can include internal bleeding, diarrhea, dehydration and in some cases, for Black Americans, death ..." The picture message says one thing while the disclaimer tells a whole other story.
The rest of the product support materials fall into our "SICK LADY" zone, that is products that market by pathalogizing normal sexual response. A deceptive way of roping in a lot of normal customers by suggesting that their sexual experience is abnormal and can be corrected. The web site uses slogans like "Drive your man wild with a tighter vagina", "makes men feel bigger, sometimes makes them last longer. No Pills".
And the packaging just keeps it up, suggesting that vaginal lubrication is a problem and that this "powder" will fix that up. Claiming it "helps with embarrassing excess wetness", the implication being that (1) vaginal lubrication is an embarrassment, (2) something you need 'help' for and (3) there is a proper amount of lubrication (the not excessive amount) and an improper amount of lubrication (that'd be the excessive amount). Then with all their 'driving men wild' ad copy, they go on to imply that a dry vagina leads to better sex, contrary to trusted medical/research information and a host of women sexuality writers' experience that says the opposite.
This kind of sick lady marketing is so frustrating when marketers use it to make people feel badly about something that is actually normal
